Friday, February 4, 2011

Banned From TV: Inside the NBA

Ernie: Hi and welcome to Inside the NBA. Alongside Kenny the Jet Smith (Kenny Smith proceeds to “raise the roof”), Charles Barkley (Chuck has a blank stare on his face, which is focused directly on Chris Webber), and Chris Webber (C-Webb has a “why are you looking at me, Chuck?” grin, and then nods to Ernie Johnson as if to say, “I don’t know why, but you intimidate me, Ernie” or, more likely, “I would love to imprint ‘Spaulding’ on you’re forehead. Just one time….I miss you, Tyra….), I’m Ernie Johnson. We have a great set of games to-

CB: Ernie! Hold on a second. Why are you-(CB turns his attention to KS)- you know, Kenny and I have a bet (he looks in to the camera)- now hear me out, I don’t mean a casino bet-(looks back at EJ)- but I have to ask you a question, Ernie. Kenny and I have a bet. (refocuses) Why? I mean, what made you decide to-

KS: Easy now, Chuck! (starts to crack a smile)

CB: No, no, Kenny. Ernie, what made you decide-

CW: (he leans forward in his chair, rubbing his hands together, cracking a smile himself) I want to hear this.

CB: (looking at CW) Well, you would know-actually (looks at Kenny) I think C-Webb should have to answer the same question-

KS: Now, Chuck, you know we had to pick one or the other (KS is turned toward CB and motions his open hands left and right as if he was trying to inbound a basketball), one or the other because (he turns his attention to EJ) Ernie, I know you have a good rea-

CW: (leans back in his chair, visibly concerned about what the “bet” is and why he was a possible candidate for answering the question) Hey I don’t know (shrugs his shoulders for emphasis, tries to crack a smile, eyebrows raised) what the bet is, but my answer is probably the same as Ernie’s (he does a fake embrace of EJ’s shoulders, close enough to get his point across but far enough to make sure he doesn’t touch EJ)…(straight-faced and leaning forward in his chair again)

EJ: (looking at C-Webb as if to say “You’re not so baaad. I bet I could take you”, in a basketball game, a fight etc…now looking in to the camera, taking control of the show) Unfortunately, we have some basketball games get to (KS “raises the roof” in the background). I am anxious, as I’m sure our audience is as well, to answer whatever question you have in order to decide whatever bet it is you have with Kenny. But we’re gonna have to put that on hold. For now-

CW: (steadily smirking, head slightly tilted toward and pointing at CB, eyebrows raised) I know you aren’t gonna ask what I think you’re gonna ask because (his palms in the air, directed at EJ), like Ernie said, -

KS: (slowly shaking his head in disbelief and disgust) Ernie didn’t day anything. (turns to CB and quickly says/asks, with the same disbelief but not the same disgust) Ernie didn’t say anything?!

CB: All I know is, (wags finger toward EJ and says, in his best Ricky Ricardo voice) you got some splaining to do..

A half second of uncomfortable silence pierces through the set.

EJ: (slightly grinning and slightly irked, taking control of the show again) Wizards-Clippers! John Wall and Blake Griffin are not only key contributors to their respective teams, but are most people’s top picks for rookie of year. More on that when we return to Inside the NBA presented by Hyundai.

(Familiar music takes us away to the commercial break)


CB: Pau can’t hold Marc’s jockstrap.
KS: Is jockstrap one word or two?
CW: (slight giggle) I think there’s a hyphen. (looks at Ernie) Right, Ernie?
CB: A hymen!? Why in the wooorld….

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